I asked my husband to be more intimate with me?

I am 31 and my husband is 33. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3. I thik he is the greatest dad ever, he works hard and we do have fun together. Just not in a married sort of way. We had problems when we were dating. He doesn't like to have very often. Like 2 times a month. He says he enjoys it, but never wants to. He says he is just not that way. He says he is too tired, too busy, he will try harder. blah blah blah. same for the last 9 years - even before kids he said that. I caught him looking on the internet for 'local single girls" when we were living together- with our one year old. He said he was just curious. I was pissed and let it go. Well, stopped talking about it anyways. I would look at every move he made, and hadn't found anything else. He tells me he loves me, only if I or He is away- out of town or something. Thats like twice a year. I dont say it anymore. He has never even looked at me naked in 9 years. I refuse to be just standing naked in front of him, because he wouldnt look anyways. So I feel ashamed. I ask him to take his time when we do have , I try to show him how to make me feel good, he is not interested. He doesnt try to follow directions, and then he s and goes to sleep right away. I have asked him to help me along, after he finishes, he doesn't . I lay there and do it myself. He must be fine with that, he has never said anything. i have left my vibrator in the shower, he sees it, and says nothing. I guess as long as he doesnt have to do it. I sometimes watch by myself just to give me a visual. I have tried everything with him. We rented a together once,my idea, and he fell asleep when I was giving him a bJ. Well, of course, I had to pleasure myself and go to bed. The next night, he fell asleep during . That has only happened a few times, but it is sure a blow to the ego. i am an attractive person. I am not overwieght by any means, actualy have lost weight trying to be ier. i know he likes big , which I dont have, and I have always wanted a job, we just havent spent the money. We even went on a consultation together, and I thought it was going to be great. Well, the economy has changed my income a lot and so I will wait. I went to his dads for the weekend, and he rented a about big @#$^ and, then he threw the cable bill in the garbage and I heard him go straight to the trash- I thought the hole thing was strange- so I looked, and sure enough. I didn't act like an , i just was really hurt. I put the bill by the coffeee pot, and he saw it. He just acted like an hole and wouldnt talk about it. Well, he was off work last night, and we went to a soccer game, my neices, and I was hoping to get some last night. Well, not so much. I cried till 3 in the morning. He did the usual, get in bed, roll over and kiss, me, goodnight, don't let the bed bugs bite. I said - there are No bed bugs! I made a comment about him being the bed bug and maybe Id like it if he would bite. I was ignored and he fell asleep. I felt aweful and cried all night. I have stopped pleasing myself just to try to make it easier for him to do it, but he wont really try so why should I torture myself? I said this morning that I was upset with him, he said why, then proceeded with the same- Im tired, too busy..I said how come you never tell me anything nice> A compliment, grab my , look at me, whatever...he siad I do tell you nice things, I tell you good morning everyday. He continued to tell me about anything that didnt pertain to us. Laundry, whatever. anything to not talk about intimacy. I am a very ual person, always have been. I just can't go on with raising the kids and puttin on a front to myself. I am running out of energy. You name it, ive tried it. Writing, talking, asking, ignoring, initiating. pleasing him only, thats how it always is. Then he says, I'll try. But doesnt. He dont care if I cry. He dont care if I now hate my body. He doesn't care if I masturbate. I think about how it would feel to have with another man. I really dont desire that. I just lie in bed at night, and fufill my fantasies through imagination. They are even with him. But I am tired of having sex only in my thoughts. I dream of him trying to get in the shower with me, trying to get a look at me, or feeling my body. I just want him be honest with me. I am GOING INSANE trying to understand him. At dinner last night- the waitress was hot, and even I was turned on by it. I now get anxiety around other hot women, I sweat, tingle in my arms, and can't breath right. I have to just suck it up. His mother would think I was a crazy if I she knew I was having anxiety over the waitress. she was with us. I just have to hide it. But it makes me angry.I feel so inadequate. I never even saw him looking at her, and it made me crazy. I am just dying for some love. It has been 8 years since I felt good about my body. I just want a mage or some kissing. I just want o feel loved, and appreciated, I work har